Trauma as a Catalyst
If you’re old enough to read this by yourself, you’ve likely endured some sort of trauma. It can be something as innocuous as being passed over for recognition, or as damaging as you can fathom. For those who have experienced trauma significant enough that they carry it with them forever, there can be an interesting after-effect that is worth studying.
American Gladiators and the Father Wound
Growing up in the late 1980s and early 1990s, I was a fan of American Gladiators (like the rest of America). These larger-than-life muscle men and women took on ordinary people and fought in a foam-wrapped arena to see who was strongest, fastest, and most agile. They were bright and flashy and often had the personalities to match as they taunted and teased their opponents.
In their unofficial documentary on Netflix (“Muscles & Mayhem: An Unauthorized Story of American Gladiators”), two Gladiators shared their path to glory. Danny Lee "Nitro" Clark and Jim “Laser” Starr shared that trauma had catalyzed their pursuit of athletic prowess and fame. Nitro shared that he had been taken from his mother at a young age and endured a painful childhood. Laser admitted that he had never heard his father say, “I love you” and had spent most of his life seeking to win his father’s attention and approval.
This led both men to body build and seek fame and attention to feel “tough” and invulnerable. They went to any length necessary to maintain that status, even turning to steroids for performance enhancement, and drugs and alcohol to numb the underlying pain they felt. Watching this documentary made me realize that trauma can push us to greatness, and over the edge into insanity.
Unable to Feel: A Drug-like Effect of Trauma as a Catalyst
Phenylcyclohexyl piperidine (PCP), or angel dust, is a dissociative anesthetic mainly used recreationally for its significant mind-altering effects. There is a common misconception that PCP gives users superhuman strength. Urban legends have sprung up about the wild things people have done while under the influence of PCP, but they’re all missing the point. In reality, the drug just has extreme pain-relieving and dissociative properties which can temporarily disconnect pain receptors in the brain, allowing the user to go further strength-wise than they would be able to normally. PCP doesn’t make you stronger; it disassociates your body and mind from feeling pain. No pain signals, no information to the brain that says, “STOP!”
What does this have to do with American Gladiators and trauma? Listening to the interviews with Nitro and Laser helped me make a powerful connection. Trauma, especially when it occurs in childhood and is severe (or perceived as severe), can have a similar PCP-like dissociative effect when left unaddressed. When someone feels so much pain and they aren’t able to process it or given any help, they reach a breaking point where their brain must turn off the pain signals so they can continue to function. A person on PCP can also experience dissociation from rational thought and brain function that signals for self-preservation. The pain from trauma goes “underground” in the mind (sometimes so deep that we can’t recall the initial trauma, and don’t have an understanding of why we feel triggered and traumatized). This subterranean and subconscious pain can morph into an intense desire to counteract the cause.
Trauma and Achievement
If you grew up traumatized by emotional neglect, it’s logical that you’d become hellbent on getting as much attention and approval as possible regardless of the consequences. The hurt little boy becomes the cocky bodybuilder with a herculean physique that screams, “I am invincible!” because his trauma is a catalyst for all his efforts. The hurt child buries his pain and resurrects himself as invulnerable to ever being hurt again. It pushed Nitro and Laser past the competition, and through every excruciating injury and moment when someone with a healthier brain chemistry might have said, “enough!”
Trauma can push us toward greatness, and help us achieve things that mere mortals only dream of, but it can also turn on us and leave us numb. When you can’t feel pain, you can’t feel much of anything. Imagine putting your hand over a fire and having your brain override your impulse to recoil. That is the power of a trauma response; it can be powerful enough to switch off the very self-preserving impulse that could save your life. When these helpful and powerful signals aren’t functioning properly, you’re able to become superhuman and move past things that would (should) stop anyone else.
Moving Beyond the Push
This superpower can turn into a kryptonite when the urge to satisfy the craving starts to drive your life. As soon as the dream is achieved and it isn’t enough, the trauma reveals that it has been driving all along, and the brake lines are severed. How do we let our trauma propel us to greatness without letting it drive us over a cliff?
Pause to understand your trauma.
Observe your behavior, and document the choices you make.
Speak to someone who can help you understand your motivations, and what role the hurts of your past are playing in your present-day life.
Slowly increase your tolerance to discomfort so you can begin to feel the signals of pain that help you know when to stop.
Be gentle with yourself, and embrace the hurt child inside you who is desperately seeking to get their needs met.
Seek equilibrium in a way that isn’t self-destructive, but healing.
Comments